When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
