Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
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