:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
