kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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