God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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