I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
