can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
