There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
