Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize