Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
