Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
