I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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