I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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