Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
