She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
