what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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