Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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