How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
