Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
