also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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