You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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