so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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