he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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