i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
