Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
