Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
