after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
