you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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