You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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