as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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