Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
