this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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