my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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