oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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