I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
