my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
