I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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