Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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