i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
