I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
