So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
