then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
