For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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