I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
