i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
