I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
