Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
