I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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