Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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