the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
