even my farts smell like vagina
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
