How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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