Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
