things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
