real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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