Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
