Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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