I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
