you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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