I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
