you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
