I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My vagina just recognized that song.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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