Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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