Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize