If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
