Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
