Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
