He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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