Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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