All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
