if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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