Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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