I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
